13 things i want to admit.

one.
it always amazes me
each year
that you call.
always. on the dot
to ring in the new years.
literally.
pun intended.

the last two beginnings
have been lonely.
2013? not so much.
i'm almost happy,
i think.
but then i realize
happiness is created,
much like art
according to Charles Bukowski.

the three months i spent in DC
were the most magical times of my life
and i never wanted it to end
so i ended it
deliberately.

four.
truth be told,
i'm a terrible friend
and a terrible person.
i'm not saying it to make excuses.
i'm trying my hardest
and she sees it
but still, she tells me
otherwise.

when i was five, i didn't
have to try as hard
to make her smile but
somewhere along the years
that smile fell off.
she calls it disappointment.
i think she resents me.

the six months that we didn't speak
in junior year
were perhaps the longest months
in my life
and it hurt that you would choose
some other girl over me, who you called
family
and so i forgave you when you came back.
but i'm still punishing you.
i'm sorry...
ish.

seven
was the beginning to an end.
i discovered that
everyone else thinks
and the world wasn't mine
and the discovery was painful
and painless.
all at once

the eight things i could
tell you about me are
1. i'm childish
2. i'm superficial
3. i like using and a lot
4. this one time, you told me
you hated chocolate and so
i've been hating chocolate since.
5. i'm easily swayed.
6. i'm easy. period.
7. i think about nothing a lot.
8. i like baths.

nine
this poem is proving a lot harder than i thought.

ten is for the boy who knows
this is about him because it's always been
and it's a childish crush
a weird sort of feeling
that i need his approval.
i don't.
but i sorta do.

eleven.
sometimes, i'm terrified that if i told you
what i really felt
you'll disappear too
because you've become
one
of the most important people in my life
but you're just a faceless face,
and you were just
a voiceless voice.

twelve. was the stroke of midnight
and i downed champagne to welcome

twenty-thirteen
was rang in, per tradition
and my first meal of the year was
a bite off a friend's street skewer
and i walked down the steep ass steps
of the Shelter in heels
and climbed the winding stairs to the Apt.
and my biggest achievement was that
i didn't fall.